Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Nightmares...
So, I had a nightmare last night....I won't go into the details except to say that it was horrible and in it my worst fears came true. The fear of it lingers with me today even though I know (and knew even as I was dreaming) that Aiden was okay. I could hear him breathing beside me as I was dreaming but the fear remains. It is always there now...under the surface...in the back of my mind. Maybe it has been there since last year or always but it was easier then to push it away, to ignore it. Now I can always feel it and I'm not sure what to do with it; How to make it go away; how to defeat it? Biblically and realistically I know that fear is not of God and I should give it no place in my mind, my heart, our lives...but how? Especially when I feel that I am so distant from Him right now. I don't know how or what to pray for anymore? I don't understand the why's or how's. I know it's cliche' but it's just not fair. Not to Aiden. He doesn't deserve this. Why can't I take it away and make it better for him? Isn't that what Mama is for? Someone once told me that when you can't pray, when you don't know how and when you are angry that it's okay. God understands. They said that it is then that others stand in the gap and pray for you, and you just trust that God knows your heart. I hope they are right. I am holding on to that right now.
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21 comments:
Everything is going to be just fine! You and David are amazing people and not to mention wonderful parents. With that said, I know its hard but God does have a plan and I know that you both know that. I believe that God is going somewhere with this, he gave you this little blessing and unfortunatly your little man is not feeling well, some people would have thrown in the towel by now, but the lord knew that you two would do anything in your power to see that he makes it through this. All three of you will be better and stronger people for this.
<3
Charbonet
Christy- What an awful dream. I hate that "residue" that a nightmare like that can leave on your brain. Just know that I am one of the many who are parying for the toot. I know that God is guiding everything and if you lean on him, he will hold you in his arms. Hugs to you and sweet Aiden. Jenn (picesjen)
Christy, I'm sitting here at work with tears in my eyes for you. A mothers worst fears... biggest worries... I'm so sorry. Aiden will be okay though babe... he will. You've got to know that we are ALL saying prayers for your little Toot. We are all filling in that gap. Don't you worry.
~Leigh
Christy - You are right, God doesn't want us to fear, but that's what sin does to us. Just remember to rely on God and what he has planned for you. He always has a reason. I will continue for your family! Keep hugging Aiden for us! Leah
That gap is being filled. Hold fast, be as strong as you can and know that there are lots of prayers going up for you right now. It is ok to be where you are. God knows your heart. He is there by your side.
~Hugs from California~
-Rebekah (Connor's mama from the JJB board)
OMG sweetie. I just want to grab you and hug you so bad right now. You and David are such good parents and you are doing everything you can for the tootmeister. I know there really aren't any words I can say to ease your pain, stress & fears. God knows I wish there was. Just know that we are all here praying so hard for him and you. Lean on us all you need to and never hestitate to ask for what you need.
Please give Aiden tons of hugs and kisses from us because we are not there to do it ourselves. He is so amazingly strong hon and he will make it through this. We love you and we are here for you!
Christy- My first comment disappeared, but the gist of it was:
WE LOVE YOU! We are all (JJB and PP) praying for Aiden and your family. (((HUGS)))
Amanda (myturnsoon) and Adam
Christy- Please know that we are standing in that gap right now for you and praying for you and david and Mr. Aiden too! Hang in there!
Breigh- from JJB
Christy -
It isn't fair that Aiden (and you) have to go through this...it just isn't. And you are right - God does understand that you are angry...and even if you feel distant from him now, He is not distant from you or Aiden right now - and know that I'm praying so hard for Aiden and you and David. (((((((HUGS))))))
Karen
Christy, That gap is being filled ten fold. We are all thinking and praying for Aiden (and your family) daily. I am so so sorry your little toot and you are having to handle this, it isn't fair. I wish we could all be there to show our love and support. We are thinking of you often throughout the day. It will be alright Mama.
Anna and Soleil :) JJB
hon, i am so sorry you are going through this. what an awful dream but it was just a dream and the fact that you are talking about it means you know it was just a dream. you , david and aiden are so strong and will come through this with an amazing story to tell.
hugs to you all
mandy w
Christy- God has a plan for you guys and he will not leave Aiden, you or David. You are such a strong person and Aiden is such a strong little boy. I know you guys will pull through this strong! You are right- God understands that you are confused right now, don't loose faith!!
You're in our prayers Christy!!! Hoping things get beeter for you guys! Love, Karmi, Shawn and Caleb (mommy_karms)
Christy, I am so sorry you are going through this, I can not imagine how hard this time must be. Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers and I wish that I were closer so I could give you a hug. Stay strong and let others lift you up in prayer. You are in our hearts. BIG HUGS to you! Melissa (mom to Libby)
Girl, God has a Plan, and He is in Control. And while i have stood in the shoes, of "this is not fair, and Why is this happening to my family". Believe me, God does have a plan. Tho, you might not understand right at this moment, but Christy, Trust me,,, you will in time. and it's ok to be mad at God. Tell Him you're mad, He already knows, so just tell Him. I wished i could ease your pain, right now. But Girl, Hold fast, Stand Strong, Trust Him, Give it to Him, and let it go. John 16:33, tell us, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have Peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But Take Heart! I have over come the world", He does tell us we may have troubles, he tells us we will, Christy, i believe that God chose you and David, because He knew you could handle this, remember He also tells us, He know us before we were born, He already knew this Day would be here, Christy, again, I've stood in the shoes, my words to you, What better person to have in the Drivers seat than He, the most powerful of all. My prayers today, are for you, that you may have Peace today, and strenth tomorrow. I love you. your special friend, Beverly.
Oh sweety, I do understand your fear, I have been there and I am praying for you and your family. Although its hard to see right now, God is in control! much love to you and your family.
Christy, Always remember that we are all standing in the gap right now...I cant even begin to imagine the thoughts and fears that you must have right now, but God is GOOD....all the time...He will carry you through even when it feels like you can not make it...We love you all.....Sunni, jason and Emma Lou
Hey Christy. I have no idea how hard all this is for you, but I just want to say hang in there and be tough, as hard as that is! God will take care of you and Aiden in His own way, even if you are not praying for his help. He does understand. Be strong for Aiden and yourself, and I'm thinking of you and praying for you everyday. Everyone has strange dreams they don't understand, but don't worry about it. It's just your deep subconscious coming out. Sometimes that's not always a good thing, but God will take of that too.
With love, Celia
Christy, Just wanted to let you know you and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers. I taught Millie to say Aiden's name so she can "pray" for him in her own way.
We love you and pray for you,
Alex and JB Millie
Christy,
I can't even begin to understand the pain that you are facing right now. Your whole family are in our thoughts and prayers. You are so strong. Aiden is a lucky boy to have your love and care. I hope your misfortunes are righted soon and your sweet baby can come home.
Sunshine & Makenna JJB
Christy, Like many others have already said, please know you are in my thoughts daily. There is a gift in this somewhere; whether it is making you stronger or better able to lend a hand to someone else in the future... or just as simple as giving you the joy of holding and loving that sweet boy. Keep him close, treasure every moment, and know we are all praying for you to have strength and feel peace (and of course for Aiden to be well!).
Much Love,
Kate & Angus
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